It seems okay, probably. Even though many people are leaving, which makes the workstation feel empty. I don’t pretend to like them all. I thought it would be terrible to handle things with fewer people—well, turns out it is fine. People are resilient enough to manage. I was thinking it was just about me, but now I think it’s the same for everyone who remains.

It seems easier, recently. With more spare time and more empty workstations, I mostly sit and learn things about programming—frameworks or languages. Winter has come. Snow remains on the street, but it’s not cold. For some reason, I prefer to sit and learn alone during lunch, whereas before, when people were around, I took a walk every noon.

It seems quieter, personally. I don’t speak much when I sit and handle my things—I guess because no one sits nearby. But I have plenty of conversations when work requires it. Most of the time, my headphones are on. I’m learning, and sometimes I message colleagues when they reach out to me. It reminds me of my postgraduate life, during breaks or vacations, when I would sit in the law school library—a very old and quiet place, even though it was the tiniest of all the libraries.

I feel as though we are constantly swept up in storms of change. Social transformation is dissolving grand narratives, while also compelling us to create personal meaning. In this historical moment, nothing is guaranteed.

I do not pretend to have no understanding, nor do I submit to the idea that one must clearly comprehend the suffering of existence. It simply happens, and the only thing I can do is accept it and move forward—striving to find, from my own perspective, a point of balance.

It seems inevitable to live in a state of constant change and, at times, profound solitude. Yet perhaps this is not entirely a bad thing: it allows us to see more clearly and know ourselves more deeply. The task, then, is to build an inner order and find a way to live within it.

It is a little sad, recently.
I suppose for many reasons.

Some companies have already moved on, and many teams are downsizing. Outsourced colleagues are the first to go. People are leaving, some lucky enough to transfer to other projects, even if far away; others now practicing LeetCode, memorizing problems, preparing for interviews they never expected to take.

It’s hard to stay light.
I’ve worked closely with many of them. As a new graduate, some guided me through those early days, how to be a programmer, how to grow, through all the conflicts and frustrations. I’ve noticed something: as a backend engineer, most were willing to help, to teach, to guide. In contrast, others—project managers, product managers, frontend developers, QA, often seemed less devoted. Especially the product managers.
Yet backends are generally diligent, hardworking. And yet, ironically, many of the outsourced backend and frontend developers are now leaving, while some of those product managers will stay.

As what they call “self-owned R&D,” I don’t feel better than them. I just happen to be a formal employee here. There’s no pride in that, only a quiet sadness.
They gave me a complete lesson in career, not just in code, but in what work really means.

I appreciate them.
But now there is much I must handle alone, and that is frightening. I hope I am ready. I am willing to step forward.

The economy is hard. Life is unkind. Downsizing is everywhere.
All I can keep is patience, and hope.
Good luck, everyone, in this drifting wind.

I’m writing this post to capture a feeling — though I can’t quite define what it is, nor come up with a proper title. So, let’s just call it Snapshot, like those untitled Chinese poems of the past (wuti, 无题). I don’t know if anyone will ever read this and feel like they’ve gotten to know me, but I hold on to the faint hope that somewhere out there, someone might stumble upon this — and realize that, once, a person tried to document a fleeting moment of his life.

By the way, I’m writing this in IntelliJ IDEA. I assume if you’re reading this, you probably found it through GitHub or a similar site — which means you’ve already figured out I’m a programmer. So yeah, no surprise there. Speaking of IDEA, the AI code completion tool keeps suggesting words while I type. I didn’t disable it — it’s actually kind of amusing to see what the AI thinks I’m about to say. At the very least, it makes writing a bit less boring. Haha.

I just spent about two weeks in Guangzhou, and it was quite an experience. Guangzhou is truly distinct from Beijing in numerous ways, not only in its use of the Cantonese dialect and the unique regional characteristics of its people, but in many other aspects as well. One striking observation was the sheer number of electric motorbikes that seem to be everywhere. It can be a bit intimidating when so many rush past you in such close proximity.

It has been an incredibly long time since I last wrote any notes. Life has undergone numerous significant changes once again, and I simply haven’t been able to find a moment of spare time to document them. However, I firmly believe that putting these experiences into words is crucial. It serves not only as a record of my life but also as a testament to my struggles and my very existence, even if it all may ultimately seem ephemeral.

Every night, as I lie down on my bed, ready to sleep after the daily routine of either work or rest, my life flashes before me like sparks from a burning campfire. I feel the passage of my life slipping away, tasting the bitterness of regrets. I resist the indescribable grace of it all, seeking the identity of my own existence. Yet, sadly, it seems to be a complete void. Despite this, I still don’t want to sleep. Just staying awake feels like enough, satisfying even if, in the end, everything is empty and meaningless.

It has been nearly three weeks since I formally started working at the company. To be honest, it hasn’t been very intensive, and I think they are indeed giving me quite a lot of time to study things related to our work, either through watching online video tutorials or reading some documents.

I’m still trying to find the rhythm of working in the company and to discover the most comfortable and suitable way for myself. Deep in my heart, I hope to have a complete and meaningful day, even if it can be quite intensive. On the other hand, I desperately refuse to sacrifice my personal time. My life has to be separate from work; during weekends and after work hours, I strongly prefer to deal with my personal matters. This makes me puzzled and confused.

After a 5-hour journey on the CRH train, I finally arrived in Beijing. I’m about to start a new chapter and begin my career here. I still feel dizzy, and everything in front of me seems like a dream. So far, everything has gone smoothly, and the weather is quite pleasant.

Regarding Beijing and me, I visited Beijing last year for a flight transfer at the airport. Before that, I came with my family in 2008 to see the Olympic Games, which was 16 years ago. I would never have expected that after so many years and so much traveling, I would one day return to Beijing to start my first professional career.